The Last One - Letting Her Go

I knew this day would come. 

I was sure of it.

All I can think...is did I do everything I was supposed to her first year? Could I have done things differently? Where do we go from here as we enter into this new world of toddlerhood?

My sweet little baby turns one today.

One year old. Her first birthday. It all went by too fast.

As excited as I am for all the many firsts we get to experience and have already experienced with her. I can’t help but to be a little saddened at the fact that she is now one. She is officially no longer a baby. Soon enough she will be walking, talking, dressing her self...needing me less and less. If only there were a way to slow down these beautiful moments, freeze time, bottle up the memories to save for later.

One of my favorite celebrities said it best on the TV show, “Reba”, Reba said, “you bring a child into this world, you change their diaper, you nurse them when they're sick. You fight with them when their teenagers. And when they finally grow up to become your friend, they leave.”

 It's completely true. 

Babies come into this world depending solely on you for everything. Then a little at a time they begin to let go and need you less and less. 

As a mother, this saddens me.

Each month I’ve taken a picture to document my baby girls growth. Today, I took the last one.

 I realized that this was the start of many "learning to let-go" moments from here on out.  Something, whether I like it or not, will happen. Truth is, however, since the day she was born, I had to start learning to let go.

• I had to let go of trying to breastfeed. I tried my best in my opinion. Gave it almost 3 months. But it just didn’t work for me or my daughter. I wanted to breastfeed so bad. But the reality was she was just too small,  she had trouble latching correctly, and I was in pain all the time. I even tried to exclusively pump. But I began to feel like a cow at a milk factory constantly pumping and feeding every couple of hours with little to no rest or time for me. It was exhausting and stressful. Which caused my supply to significantly drop. When I decided to stop breastfeeding, I still thought what if, give it one more try. I felt like a failure if it didn’t work. Which is horrible now that I look back on it. It’s sad that the world has placed such a stigma on mothers to make them feel like you have to breastfeed or you're a failure. While I truly believe breastfeeding is the best thing for babies and I whole heartily wanted to breastfeed my baby, it didn’t work for us. My baby was always hungry and ill and I was exhausted and stressed. My baby deserved a happy mother and we deserved time to love each other and spend time together. Not stressing over breast milk. Don’t get me wrong. I did have some successful breastfeeding moments and in those moments I absolutely loved every second. It was empowering and beautiful, sacred and sweet, it connected me to my baby in a way I cannot explain. I think having those few moments is what made it so hard for me when I finally made the decision to stop trying. It was hard but I let go. 
• I sent my daughter to daycare for a short time. This was so extremely hard for me. I didn’t want to be involved with daycares. Too many horror stories. But I didn’t have a choice because there was no one else. The first daycare I had enrolled my daughter in fell through big time when I took her to visit a week before she would be starting. It was a spontaneous visit and when I arrived I wanted to cry. I won’t go into detail, but my mind was made up when I left. My daughter would not be going there. Luckily, we found another center. The transition was smooth as I went back to work. My baby made it easy on me because she was such a good baby and the workers loved her. But I still had the hardest time with the guilt of leaving my baby every day. It was hard but I let go. Then she started staying sick. My husband and I tried taking turns staying home from work on those sick days, the doctor bills piled up, and it seems like after Christmas she was sick until spring. My husband and I would get sick too. We used to never get sick. It was so stressful. Around March, after having my baby in daycare for 5 months things started to change at the center. Again I won’t go into detail for respect for the center and director who was wonderful...but a lot of change took place and the care my daughter had received changed tremendously. She was never harmed or mistreated to my knowledge but after witnessing several uneasy things, I decided that was it. I was stressed enough with my job and I needed peace of mind for my daughters care and well being. My husband and I made the decision to allow me to work from home. Yet again, another scenario of having to let go. I let go of my time with my daughter for a short while but then had to let go of a career I had always wanted. 

Of course, there have been other let-go moments in between these two majors ones. My daughter holding the bottle on her own and not needing me to, feeding herself solids, crawling, playing independently, sleeping in her own room in her crib after cosleeping with me until she was 6 months old. All of these moments and more I’ve had to learn to let go a little more. It’s sad and exciting...bittersweet. 

Today, as I celebrate my daughter turning one, I'm forced to face the reality that letting go will happen more and more. Her first steps, her first real words, school, driving, marriage, children of her own. When you become a parent, more specifically a mom...the words let go are hard and scary.  But the memories, love, and connection will hopefully last an eternity. 

So to my baby... 

as you leave babyhood and enter into toddlerhood...

I will cherish all of our firsts and look forward to many more. 

I will hold onto every memory, photo, and video. 

I pray I never forgot the beautiful first year we have had.

 Despite all of the struggles, stresses, and let-go moments...

it has all been worth it.

 I love you my beautiful, smart, kind baby girl. 

Happy 1st Birthday! 

Love, mommy

 

Thanks for reading! 

Be sure to join the LifestylingwithTam community and never miss a blog post again!